Lorraine Ansell is the author of The Surrender Agenda. Always in pain but always smiling, everything hurts and even her fingers whilst she types. Lorraine writes books, audio dramas, websites, blogs and much more. This is the first time that she has published a book about her own pain and how she lives her life in pain. As well as talking about her painful condition – Hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome – which was diagnosed in 2022, Lorraine had a detached retina in 2023 and laser eye surgery three times to save her sight. https://www.lorraineansellauthor.com/

I was in my mid-thirties when my body began to change in ways I couldn’t ignore.

I assumed it was “just getting older.” Aching joints. Exhaustion. Back pain that felt deeper and heavier than before. Random bladder irritation that mimicked a UTI but wasn’t. I was still pushing through life as I always had—dancing, working, travelling—but something had shifted.

What I didn’t know then was that I was entering perimenopause.

And I didn’t yet know I had hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome either.

I was officially diagnosed with hEDS in my early forties (I’m now 45) after decades of unexplained injuries and fragile tissues. The diagnosis explained so much of my life. But what surprised me most was how perimenopause intensified everything.

When I asked whether perimenopause could make my symptoms more painful, my rheumatologist said, “Yes, it does.” During perimenopause, oestrogen levels fluctuate and gradually decline. Oestrogen influences collagen, connective tissue integrity, and pain signalling with changes that can increase joint pain and sensitivity for some people.

For someone with a connective tissue disorder—where tissues are already stretchy and fragile—that matters.

My pain increased. My joints felt less stable. And then came the bladder symptoms.

I could barely drink water without feeling irritation. It wasn’t a straightforward infection. It felt like a paper cut sensation all the way down. I was referred to urology. Tests were invasive. It was frightening.

Eventually, I was told that Genitourinary Syndrome of Menopause (GSM) was highly likely – and that my hEDS probably made me more sensitive to the changes. 

No one had prepared me for this.

We talk about hot flushes. We talk about mood swings. We don’t talk enough about how perimenopause can magnify pre-existing conditions.

Starting vaginal oestrogen pessaries was, in my words, “a miracle.” The difference was night and day. I could drink water without fear. I could sit comfortably. I could breathe again. 

I’ve recently started HRT as well, hoping to stabilise tissue sensitivity and protect my joints and eyes long-term. After already experiencing a detached retina, I am acutely aware of how fragile tissues can be.

But here’s what midlife really changed for me.

It forced me to stop performing.

For decades I had pushed myself. I grew up in a world that praised endurance. You work harder. You dance through pain. You don’t complain. You certainly don’t rest unless you’ve earned it.

Perimenopause broke that illusion. 

Suddenly, pushing through didn’t work. Ignoring hunger made me shaky. Skipping rest meant days of payback. Recording for an hour without a snack first meant mistakes and tears.

So, I started listening. 

A “good day” now is not about output. It’s about connection. It’s about eating when I’m hungry rather than waiting. Putting my legs up against the wall when I feel dizzy. Taking a nap without guilt.

It sounds simple. It is not.

In a productivity-obsessed world, redefining your worth beyond speed and stamina is radical.

I grieved when I was diagnosed in my forties. I grieved the decades of confusion. But midlife has also brought something I didn’t expect: clarity. 

Surrender, for me, does not mean giving up. It means cooperating with reality. It means accepting the flow instead of fighting it. It means acknowledging that chronic conditions may not have cures—only management—and choosing to live richly within that truth. 

We need to talk more openly about how menopause intersects with other health conditions. We need to stop dismissing women’s symptoms as “normal ageing.” And we need to stop treating pain as valid only when it is visible or dramatic.

Most of all, we need permission.

Permission to soften.
Permission to rest.
Permission to adapt.
Permission to change.

Midlife is not the beginning of decline.
For me, it was the beginning of honesty.

And honesty, I’ve learned, is far more powerful than pushing through.

https://mybook.to/SurrenderAgenda