What if the key to smoother relationships—at work, at home, or in your community—wasn’t about changing other people, but understanding them better? Communication expert and behavioural coach Catherine Stothart believes we can all learn how to “get on with anyone,” and her updated book published by Pearson offers practical tools for doing exactly that. With over 30 years of experience coaching leaders at global giants like Google, Audi and Airbus, Catherine shares insights that are just as powerful for navigating everyday conversations as they are for boardroom strategy. Whether you’re mentoring the next generation, seeking greater harmony in your social circles, or simply keen to improve your confidence and calm in tricky moments, her advice is refreshingly clear, warm, and easy to apply—no matter your stage in life.
We caught up with Catherine to find out what inspired her to write How To Get On With Anyone, what’s changed in the newly updated edition, and her top tips for improving communication—whether you’re dealing with workplace politics, difficult personalities, or simply want to feel more confident in day-to-day conversations.
1.Your book focuses on understanding personality styles – what inspired you to write this book originally, and what’s changed in the new edition?
Catherine Stothart: “I had been aware of different personality styles for some time and had found that this knowledge really improved my relationships with other people. It made such a difference to me in both my personal life (with my husband and children) and at work, that I wanted to make this knowledge, and practical advice, more widely accessible to other people for the price of a paperback.
“The new edition has brand new chapters on leadership and communicating inclusively. Post-Covid, people’s expectations of leaders have changed, and there is more focus on inclusion now. The new edition also has sections on how to communicate effectively virtually, which again is more important now that so many people work partly from home.”
2.You’ve coached leaders at Google, Audi, and Airbus. What are the most common communication mistakes even high performers make — and how can we fix them?
Catherine Stothart: “I think the most common mistake is that we don’t take the time to understand the other person’s perspective. We make snap judgements, we assume we know what they are thinking, and when we are under pressure of time, deadlines, workload, we react emotionally and we say and do things that, with the benefit of rational hindsight, we wouldn’t have done. Things can escalate quickly into conflict, while if we took a bit more time and asked some open questions to understand the other person’s position, we’d avoid some of these conflicts and have better collaboration.”
3.In your experience, what’s the key to dealing with ‘difficult’ people — without losing your cool or compromising your values?
Catherine Stothart: “I advise a three-step approach when conflict arises:
- De-escalate
- Add Value
- Seek Closure
“You can de-escalate by pausing, maybe move to a different location, get a coffee, walk to a meeting room. During that time, take some deep breaths to relax and make sure you have a calm tone of voice and body language. This pause enables you to control your emotions and allows the rational part of your brain to kick in.
“Step 2 is to add value, by listening, asking open questions, trying to understand their point of view, and take a third person perspective (for example what would a fly on the wall be seeing and hearing?). Be assertive about your own views, but not aggressive.
“Step 3 is to seek closure. Having listened to their thoughts, try to find common ground or a common goal. Agree the next steps and close the conflict explicitly by restating what has been agreed.”
4.The updated edition includes advice on digital communication. What’s the biggest difference between communicating in-person versus online — and how can we get better at it?
Catherine Stothart: “The biggest difference between online and in-person communication is that there is less engagement of the senses online. When you meet people face to face, you have a much richer sensory experience – you may shake their hand or give them a hug (touch), you may join them in a drink or snack (taste), there may be aromas in the air (smell), you will see and hear them (sight and sound), and there will be other sensory stimuli around you. Online, there is far less appeal to the senses. This means it is harder to keep people’s attention, they are more easily distracted and will drift off mentally and emotionally.
“The challenge in virtual communication is to find ways to engage the senses and emotions and get active participation.
“So, anything you can do to involve people in speaking, typing, moving, participating is really helpful.
“Here are a few tips, there are lots more in my book:
- Greet everyone when you join the meeting,
- Have your camera on.
- Ensure people do or say something at least every five minutes.
- Show you are listening by nodding, paying attention, asking questions.
- If there are some topics relevant to only one or two people, suggest that they set up a separate discussion.
- Use a shared whiteboard, post-it board or document as an interactive way to capture thoughts and ideas.
- Ask people to post their reactions using emojis or a physical thumbs up or down, or use a show of hands.
- If appropriate, use polls and break out groups.
- Build in comfort breaks – physically moving around aids concentration.
- Encourage people to bring a coffee or snack to the meeting.
- Ensure everyone gets the opportunity to express their views – keep a tally of who speaks.
- Keep meetings short – 45 minutes max.
“Online communication is tiring, so make sure you use the time productively and don’t let meetings drag on.”
5.How can understanding personality styles help women, especially when navigating bias, confidence gaps, or power dynamics?
Catherine Stothart: “Being aware of the different styles means you can choose to behave in a certain style that fits the situation.
“On average, women have a more ‘informing’ style of communication, while men have a more ‘directing’ style. Women tend to share information, they explain, they make suggestions, they consult, there’s a focus on getting buy-in. Men tend to give direction, they tell others what to do, they give structure, there’s a focus on getting the task done.
“It’s also helpful to be alert to the words you use. For example, women tend to use more self-undermining language than men, such as using “just” as in “I just wanted to ask…”, “could I just….”, and they tend to speak more apologetically when they ask for something. Using assertive language: ‘I’ statements such as ‘I think, I’d like, I need’ rather than aggressive language (‘You should, you ought’) or submissive language (‘Don’t mind me’) is usually more impactful.”
6.What’s a common myth about communication at work that you’d love to bust once and for all?
Catherine Stothart: “That when things go wrong, it’s other people’s fault. We have a tendency to blame others when there are problems – marketing blames design, manufacturing blames engineering, sales blames the finance people etc. And in our personal lives too we tend to blame others when things go wrong – but often we can change other people’s responses by changing our own behaviour. There is a statement used in NLP – “the meaning of a communication is the response it gets” – in other words, if people react in a way that surprises or annoys us, maybe we need to change something about the way we have communicated.
“We tend to judge other people based on the impact of what they say and do. We don’t make allowances or try to understand the intention behind their behaviour. Yet we judge ourselves on our intention, even when our behaviour has a negative impact. It’s really about being more emotionally intelligent in our behaviour, managing our emotions, making conscious choices about what we say and do.
“If we thought about our behaviour a bit more and the impact of our behaviour on other people, we’d have better communication and fewer difficulties.”
7.You’ve lived and worked around the world. How has that shaped your understanding of cross-cultural communication and personality differences?
Catherine Stothart: “Living in Egypt and Brazil showed me that behaviour is influenced by lots of different factors, not only your in-born personality, but also your upbringing, your education, your family, your religion, and also by the culture in which you live. These all influence how we behave. So you can’t make assumptions about someone’s personality based on one single example of their behaviour. For example, extraverted behaviour in Italy will come across very different from extraverted behaviour in Finland. The culture influences how personality is expressed in behaviour.
“Relationships are very important in both Egypt and Brazil. In Egypt it’s important to take your time over social niceties before asking for what you want, while USA and UK culture tends to be more task-focused and get straight to the point – this is seen as disrespectful in Egypt. I had to learn patience in Egypt and not be demanding, otherwise people wouldn’t co-operate with me.
When you live in a different country or work with people from different national cultures, you have to be sensitive to what is regarded as ‘normal’ in that country and behave accordingly.”
8.For someone who wants to ‘get on with anyone’ – not just in work but also their day-to-day lives – yet doesn’t know where to start, what’s the first (or top 3) small shift(s) you’d recommend today?
- Take the initiative to connect with others, greet people, smile, look friendly and interested in them. Practise this in low-stress interactions.
- Be aware of how you are feeling because this will come across in your body language and tone of voice, so manage your mood so that you feel happy and confident, rather than bored or anxious.
- Be alert to what’s happening for them – if they are in a hurry to get somewhere, it’s not a good time to try to engage them in conversation.
How To Get On With Anyone by Catherine Stothart (Pearson) is out now: https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1292734272